Why I stopped giving a fuck what other people thought I looked like

October 10, 2017

I was 7 when I first remember being called fat. By the age of 10, I hated P.E. At 13, I knowingly restricted my food intake in order to lose weight. I was finally classed 'normal sized' at the age of 15. Just before I turned 17, I met the love of my life. And by 19 I'd already put on weight. At 22 I was at my heaviest. And now, at 23... I am so sick of it all.

My weight has always seemed to control my mental health in some way or another. Anxiety came hand in had with feeling self-conscious. Whatever will people think of me?

Whenever I got food at parties, I cringed. Was I taking too much? Would people thing I was big and greedy? Whenever I had to share a seat on the train or the bus, I would cram myself against the edge, not wanting them to think I'm so huge that I can't fit on one seat. Swimming made me a nervous wreck. Summer clothes were the worst. So many times I haven't bought clothes I loved or I've gotten changed just before stepping out the door because I've caught myself looking too fat in the mirror on my way out.

But over the last year, I've just... stopped caring. I think you get to an age or a time where you just can't worry about body image any more. At least for me anyway. You go through things and see things and you have so much more to worry about, so many more important issues that need your attention. I can't possibly remember to pay the electricity bill, get food out the freezer for dinner, email Rachel about the company meeting, ring my mum, post those books to my sister, check my baby niece has gotten over her cold, have a social life and worry about how I look to others. And quite frankly, if I'm wearing what I love and am comfortable in... who gives a fuck what the noisy next door neighbours thinks I look like?

I wish I could say that I had an epiphany and that I totally love myself now. I don't, there's always room for improvement. I do still want to shift some pounds - but only so I can fit in those cute little vintage clothes from Cow and so I won't get chafe when I go travelling. Not because nice-neck-Matt from uni might actually say hello if I were thin.

I'm over worrying about it. Time is passing me by and the last thing I want to do is spend my 20's worrying about my weight. So I will wear those weird shoes with the pom-poms on that look like slippers. That blue sparkly sweater-vest that has never gone with anything. And maybe even that slightly see-though shirt that shows off a sliver of my midriff. Because I like it. And I want to. And who the fuck doesn't love multi-coloured pom-poms?

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  1. You go, girl! I've always been self conscious and unhappy about my weight, but looking back I don't know what I was thinking! I'm 2 stone heavier and definitely want to lose weight - because chafing really does ruin a lovely day out! But I am trying to be healthy about it and shift my mindset into a more positive one. It's so nice to read that you too are trying to be more positive about your size. :)

  2. All love! I've reached that point too, but now I couldn't care less anymore.